Ramblings…

“Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own.”--Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons

1. My kids will fight, no matter how hard I try to convince them to play nicely. They are polar opposites. Oil and water. Gasoline and a match! They get along best when they are conspiring against me!

2. Since becoming a Mom I found out just how scary this world really is. I make my both boys sit in a cart when we are at stores because I am afraid if I take my eyes of either one of them, even for a moment, they might not be there when I turn back around.

3. I always find it interesting how two people can be saying the same thing, and one sounds self-righteous and judgemental, while the other sounds inspirational. Reminds me that often how I say things is more important than what I am saying.

4. I love to read. I hope the boys will always love books. When Dylan was born my parents gifted all the books we has as children to him. Now reading with the boys brings back memories of my Dad reading to me. I especially love to see my Dad reading to the boys!

Happy Friday!

Jacquelyn

"You're the luckiest Mom in the world..."

A while ago someone asked what I did for a living;

Me: I stay home with my boys
She: Oh, so you're just a homemaker. What do you do all day? A housewife... huh...
Me: stunned into speechlessness, oh I try to stay busy... change the subject

My first reaction was anger, just a homemaker. Then my own self-doubt started in...
Is worth measured by what you do for a living? Perhaps in todays society it is, the amount of money and prestige your job earns you dictates who you are to so many.

I'm not what you would call "housewifey". I don't cook well. Dinner is rarely on the table when Bruce gets home from work, usually he makes it when he gets home. I have NEVER darned a pair of socks. I don't own a sewing machine. I took Home Ec in school, and while I didn't flunk I don't remember much. I was more focused on Science and History and French, afterall those were the subjects that were going to get me into a good university and thus get me a good job. I have a diplomas in International Business, I speak 3 languages, I have travelled and lived in another country. I sometimes wonder how I ended up here...

 Yesterday my 4 year old informed me that I was the luckiest Mom in the world. When I asked him why he thought that, he informed me that it's because I have him and his brother and I get to stay home and take care of them all day, everyday. Daddy's not so lucky, he has to go to work you know! You're so right little man!

Mommy Ramblings

I don't know any other stay-at-home Moms. I really thought I might be the only CRAZY one out there! I've been asked a million times why I chose this life, why I chose to live on one income, why the "sacrifice", why I chose to spend my whole life running after kids. I've been asked not just why I do it, but how I do it every. single. day. 

The truth? Some days I don't know the answer myself. Some days it is so utterly and completely chaotic around here that I don't know which way is up. Some days I feel envious of Bruce; some days I wish I could trade places with him... other days I am glad I don't have to.

I love that I have the power to fix booboos with just a kiss, that little people still want to sit with Mom and read books, that they want to snuggle and be loved all day! I love that their world is so simple and innocent and we try to keep it that way for as long as possible. I think you can learn a lot from kids if you take the time to see the world through their eyes.

Being Present

It's been a zoo around here since Christmas. With 2 preschoolers it's always a bit of a zoo. It has occured to me that the kids really do follow my example, perhaps more than I even realize (or care to admit). When I'm in a foul mood, they respond in kind. When I am upbeat and energized about the days events, they respond in kind.

It dawned on me that I may have choosen the wrong word. I thought I needed to be more disciplined, and while I know that is true in many cases, (financially, cleaning, organizing, purging, eating right, etc) when it comes to the kids and what they need most isn't about Mama being disciplined, it's about Mama being present. In mind, body and soul. About living in the moment with them. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is enlightening. It brings me back to a time before innocence was lost.

When I had Dylan I convinced Bruce that me being a stay-at-home Mom was important. It was not something we entered into without thought. I was convinced that my model was better than daycare, and while I understand that it's not the case for everyone it was what was right for us. I was present with Dylan, we were engaged everyday in activities. We both learned a lot in the 2 years that it was just the two of us everyday.

The year Dawson was born everything changed. That January, Bruce bought a bankrupt company, and while he wasn't aware at the time of the poor financial situation that came with the company, it didn't take long before we were snowed under. Dawson was born in February, and by the end of that month Bruce was away 4 days a week and locked in the office the other 3. It was just me, a 2 year old, and a newborn. We were broke, beyond broke even. I was exhausted. I didn't have enough energy to do the normal everyday chores, let alone find fun, engaging activities to occupy my 2 year old. I was no longer really present. Sure I was here everyday; feeding them, making sure their clothes were cleaned, running around doing chores. Chores, that's what my life felt like, like everyday was a chore. My "job" of being a stay-at-home Mom became nothing more than a JOB, and I was a disgruntled employee. Underpaid and definitely overworked.

That year almost split us apart, we almost became a statstic. Thankfully eventually Bruce realized that we could no longer survive that way. So he got a haircut and a real job. If it sounds like I'm making light of the situation, rest assured I am not. We are still feeling the after effects of that year around here, we are still trying to recover. I have yet to bounce back and be the Mom I once was, the one who was present. It's what my kids deserve, even if it's hard I vow to be there this year and from now on. No one ever said it was going to be easy, this parenting thing.