Being Present

It's been a zoo around here since Christmas. With 2 preschoolers it's always a bit of a zoo. It has occured to me that the kids really do follow my example, perhaps more than I even realize (or care to admit). When I'm in a foul mood, they respond in kind. When I am upbeat and energized about the days events, they respond in kind.

It dawned on me that I may have choosen the wrong word. I thought I needed to be more disciplined, and while I know that is true in many cases, (financially, cleaning, organizing, purging, eating right, etc) when it comes to the kids and what they need most isn't about Mama being disciplined, it's about Mama being present. In mind, body and soul. About living in the moment with them. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is enlightening. It brings me back to a time before innocence was lost.

When I had Dylan I convinced Bruce that me being a stay-at-home Mom was important. It was not something we entered into without thought. I was convinced that my model was better than daycare, and while I understand that it's not the case for everyone it was what was right for us. I was present with Dylan, we were engaged everyday in activities. We both learned a lot in the 2 years that it was just the two of us everyday.

The year Dawson was born everything changed. That January, Bruce bought a bankrupt company, and while he wasn't aware at the time of the poor financial situation that came with the company, it didn't take long before we were snowed under. Dawson was born in February, and by the end of that month Bruce was away 4 days a week and locked in the office the other 3. It was just me, a 2 year old, and a newborn. We were broke, beyond broke even. I was exhausted. I didn't have enough energy to do the normal everyday chores, let alone find fun, engaging activities to occupy my 2 year old. I was no longer really present. Sure I was here everyday; feeding them, making sure their clothes were cleaned, running around doing chores. Chores, that's what my life felt like, like everyday was a chore. My "job" of being a stay-at-home Mom became nothing more than a JOB, and I was a disgruntled employee. Underpaid and definitely overworked.

That year almost split us apart, we almost became a statstic. Thankfully eventually Bruce realized that we could no longer survive that way. So he got a haircut and a real job. If it sounds like I'm making light of the situation, rest assured I am not. We are still feeling the after effects of that year around here, we are still trying to recover. I have yet to bounce back and be the Mom I once was, the one who was present. It's what my kids deserve, even if it's hard I vow to be there this year and from now on. No one ever said it was going to be easy, this parenting thing.